i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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