Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Alive.
So much puke
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
