I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
