Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
the raccoons are back...
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