The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
