dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
