just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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