If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Randomize
