new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
