I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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