Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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