Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
