hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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