Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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