3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
