After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
