How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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