please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
