why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
