I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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