Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
