i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
