his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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