She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
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