If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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