Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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