Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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