You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
