I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
