Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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