I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize