Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
