I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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