i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
