Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm gonna fight the coyote
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
