Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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