So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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