I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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