Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
