All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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