the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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