I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
