I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize