the condom got lost in my hair
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I need moral support for this bender
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
