the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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