I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
