i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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