Three words: puerto rican gang bang
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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