New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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