Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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