I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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