life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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