how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Hippo gnu deer
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
