My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
