i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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