I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
