You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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