need another drink. this is the easiest way
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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