im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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