Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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