Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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