My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
