Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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