Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize