I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
