eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
